Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
You Might Also Like
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche