A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
You Might Also Like
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]