Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Sorry. Not sorry
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?