Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
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I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October