no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Ion see the issue
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.