Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
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I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
OKAY DAD
I love it all
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Nothing to do, you say?
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS