Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.