[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.