2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
This makes total sense…
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Never let them know your next move 😂