*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.