Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
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How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils