GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.