Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11