Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.