I saw nothing
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When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right