Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
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me after drinking all the wine:
If I ignore life will it go away?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance