Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.