You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Check out the legs on this baby
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“That’s what” – She
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.