Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Woke up against my better judgment again
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year