“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
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I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
You are not alone 💚
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine