*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
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I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Doing math together is known as fourplay.