If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.