Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?