[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
doing some research
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Risking my life for fun.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets