Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
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Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Why soy sad?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
bro what is going on at twitter
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.