[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
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I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*