I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
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If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no