*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Its a hippotatomus
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG