Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
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As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not