[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.