While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.