Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
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The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.