Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.