honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
You Might Also Like
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
barbara was highly relatable
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one