My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
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There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
dictator is short for richard potato
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?