Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
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An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.