WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
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“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.