So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
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Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.