Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
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Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
it’s the silliest best thing
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!