*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
You Might Also Like
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Breaking news:
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
hi why am I like this
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Guilty! 🤪
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday