Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
That took me a moment.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
New menu item
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Woke up against my better judgement again
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!