Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
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Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things