For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
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I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.