I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth