Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
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Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
💻🤡
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-