I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
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A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.