If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
You Might Also Like
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Attacked by a mop.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.