Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
fair
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I don’t get marriage
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken