I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Need WebMD
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Same post same
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.