When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
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Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Thoughts
#merica
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace